Wednesday, April 9, 2008

5/12/06 Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

EDIT as I compile these for the new blog: A live journal post where I'm dealing with the ups and downs of the healing process. Throughout the process I've dealt with the back and forth pull between feeling like the real me was breaking through and then feeling lost in a fog, not myself again. It reminds me of the story Flowers for Algernon, where the mentally challenged main character, Charlie, got to experience being normal (well even beyond normal intelligence), but then discovered he was going to decline back into his previous mentally challenged state. I have felt a little like that at times. Knowing that when the bad days come, I'll be lost. And the bad days were felt so much greater by me once the healing process started because I knew just how abnormal they were. I knew what I was missing. But at least it was/is only a temporary loss. And now that I'm nearly completely healed, the lost days are so few and far between. I am me almost 99.9% of the time now.

May 12, 2006 Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

That is how I feel. Wonder if bipolar folks feel like this? It is like I'm two people, sometimes three. Recently I've tasted what it is like to feel HAPPY to have energy to have patience. Some days I have so much energy that I'm anxious and nervous with no reason and don't know what to do with myself. And then suddenly, I'm swung the other direction, back into gloom, apathy, lethargy, achy, irritable darkness. A lot of this makes sense in light of my recent diagnosis (I'm cycling back and forth between hyper and hypo thyroid function and it is making everything in my brain all wonkers) but knowing why it happens doesn't really make it any easier to live with. And having tasted the days of true happiness, peace, and contentment, it makes the bad days all the worse. I'm so bitter that I can't just shake it off and find normalcy when it happens. I feel like I'm a prisoner to the whims of my hormones and the chemicals in my brain who are calling the shots. Living with me or even being my friend these days has got to be hell. You never know who you are gonna get from me......

more ramblings, stuff just keeps pouring out of my head..... WARNING: long and crazy.................

More thinking out loud. The good days I've had have allowed me to tap into the real me. I haven't felt the real me in a long long long time (if ever at all) and actually hadn't realized I was even missing, until I touched that happiness, that calm, that inner light of myself.

I had a psychology teacher way back that said, always look to biology first when trying to understand behavior. Always rule out biology first before looking to psychology to describe behavior. Thinking back on that it makes me wonder how much of me is really me and how much is just my damn wonker brain not being able to process and deal with things properly because of some deficiency or imbalance of hormones/chemicals due to this crazy autoimmunity. Having those good days and feeling the emotions of my true self were so amazing. I'm really not a withdrawn crabby impatient person. I've touched that inner light and I now know my reactions to things when I'm really me. When I'm really alive. It makes me crave to always be me and not to surrender to the wonker forces.

I discovered quite by surprise that the real me is actually outgoing and sociable even to strangers, the real me is patient and understanding with her children, the real me gets horny and has the energy to do something about it, the real me can handle stresses and spontenaity (even if I can't spell it), the real me can be happy, content, and not depressed. The few times that I've experienced the real me, life has felt so different. Like I truly was a different person! I didn't get stressed trying to turn left in busy traffic worrying about what the cars where thinking behind me, I just concentrated and drove. I didn't get all outraged and impatient when the kids are crabby or fighting, I just calmly handled it. It is so hard to describe! I didn't consciously try and react differently, just something was different inside me. I just felt different about everything. The things going on around me were the same old stuff, but somehow the way I felt when I was reacting was just different. Its like I had some inner pool of resources that were never there before. And when those inner resources leave, I fall back into the tired crabby avoidant old me.

I think the nutrition and all I have been doing to heal is what brought this out. It is helping to balance all the wonker crap, but it isn't always enough and sometimes the wonker forces win over what the nutrition is trying to build back up. So I'm constantly pulled between normal, hyper, and hypo.

But how to battle the wonker forces and stay me? Tasting it is like a giant tease because I can't have it all the time. The wonker forces win the battle. Maybe hormone treatment will help when I finally get to see my endo. Gods I hope so. This longing for myself is heart breaking...... I finally know what it feels like to be normal and got a taste of who I really am. I want to know her again. I want to meet myself and discover who I am.

hmmm, I really seem to like the word wonker lately......

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