3/6/06 Saved for posterity

EDIT as I compile these for the new blog: Some more Live Journal musings on the crazy state of my mental health and the ordeal I had gone through over the past year as my health declined.

March 6, 2006 Saved for posterity.....

I'M CRAZY
I'm dealing with Avoidant Personality Disorder. (I have never been diagnosed and am not on any meds for this, but some of my relatives are similarly afflicted, some to a greater degree than others, and I recognize the symptoms in myself). Most of the time I'm a go- getter, confident, fearless, able to push myself and force myself beyond this. But occasionally I can be taken over by my natural inclinations and I feel reclusive, fearful, and incompetent to the point where I'll avoid making simple phone calls and can't even write a check at the grocery store without feeling flustered and inept. This quote describes me and my plight ,"These individuals are distracted by their own extraordinary sensitivity to subtleties of tone and feeling; they are hyperalert to the meaning of emotive communication. Their thought processes are interfered with by flooding of irrelevant environmental details." Most days overall though, I'm a fairly normal person. I just try to keep this in check when I recognize it happening. Some days it is harder than others. This can at times affect my ability to interact with others, even friends and family. Close personal friendships and intimacy are a constant challenge for me, as my auto-pilot is set for distraction, avoidance, and withdrawal. I continually suppress and ignore these automatic directives and am usually successful at doing so, but occasionally they still manage to manifest themselves before I'm aware. Within the past year, I have come to terms with the full acknowledgement of all these crazy traits in myself, having admitted them outloud to my husband (who of course already knew). I knew for quite some time as well, but never allowed myself to voice the truth or to look at it in the light of day. The past year has been one of self discovery and personal growth.