Wednesday, April 9, 2008

12/2/04 Hiding in happy moments, trying to escape the crazy within

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More musing from my Live Journal as I tried to come to terms with my escalating mental issues. It is interesting to note that now, being far along on my healing journey, I finally do know the "real Chris" and she is nothing like what I described here. Quite the opposite, in fact. :-)

December 2, 2004 Hiding in happy moments, trying to escape the crazy within....

Why do I have to be so messed up? I'm tired of looking in the mirror and realizing how fucking crazy I am. Just when I think I am functioning and doing well, something happens to reveal yet another layer that I didn't even realize was there. Just another reason that I can't function normally, that I am dysfunctional just like my grandmother. That I make everyone around me miserable. That I don't know how to cope with life's events. Lately I feel like two people. There's the confident, happy, wonderful family, awesome friends, what more could I want out of life Chris, and then there is the real Chris hiding underneath. The depressed, oversensitive, scared of everything, can't even handle the housework, fucking crazy Chris. When I realize who I really am, deep within, all I can do is cry. I hate it when she comes out. I hate the real Chris.

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