Wednesday, April 9, 2008

10/12/04 What comes next?

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More Live Journal ramblings from me as I tried to come to terms with the mental and social issues that had been escalating over the years and had finally come to a head.

October 12, 2004 What comes next?

Okay, so I have named the monster that rules my world, but what comes next? I have been taming this beast all of my adult life and yet it still remains. At least now I can look at it head on. It is no longer a suspicion or something in the back of my mind. It is real and illuminated by the light of day now. It has a name. It has explanations as to how I interpret my self and my environment and how that rules my life. Now what? What do I do with that information? okay so let me think out loud here....

Read books. Find out all I can about this monster. Learn it's secrets, it's weaknesses, and my own.

Reach out to T and try to listen to him more. But is that fair to him? Should he have to deal with this? Shouldn't he get to just be the husband? Shouldn't I burden someone else with counseling?

Reach out to my friends. Should I even tell them I'm dealing with this? Would they even understand? (D and J probably read my earlier post, but neither commented, maybe this is just too much to touch?) This would probably come as a complete shock to many of my friends and some might not even believe it to be true. I have hidden this well all my life, forcing myself to be as normal as I can. Forcing myself to not become "like my mom." And yet it remains. My perceptions persist. The subtle clues were all there, but unless someone was looking for them, they would never guess this affects me. I've been on stage, I go to parties, I was well liked and extremely successful in the air force, I do have friends. And yet it is true. So very true.

I force myself to be on stage. It is an outlet. A chance for me to be something else. And I still always make excuses about being sick or tired just to give myself an excuse for not being good at whatever I'm doing.

I go to parties because I'm T's wife and he has lots of friends that are my friends now too. But he is my shelter. He makes the friends and makes them "safe" in my mind. I drink at parties or act like I'm drunk so that I'm not responsible for my actions. I feel free of judgement that way.

I was successful in the Air Force because I forced myself to join in order to prove to myself that I could do things. I was very good at what I did, yet I still felt that everyone overestimated my abilities. I always felt like someday they would discover that I wasn't the really great weather observer that they thought I was. As time went on these issues started to escalate and I began to make excuses about feeling sick or tired whenever I had to do a briefing. I avoided answering the PMSV (pilot to metro) radio because it put me on the spot to answer questions out loud over the speaker with everyone in the station listening. Answering the phone was still okay on most days, as I sat at my own desk and no one listened in, but occasionally I would still hestitate to answer even that. I absolutely hated giving stations tours (oh, gods how I hated that!), but somehow I got through them if I wasn't able to avoid them. And god, don't even mention the boards, ugg the airmen of the quarter boards, the below the zone boards, ugg, how the hell did I ever get that early promotion? I'm surprised I ever managed to push myself through those doors, let alone excel in front of those panels. But most of my job was typing in code, observing non-human elements on the airfield and reporting them. At that I excelled. I was very popular and had many friends around the station and the airfield, but I guess I viewed them as safe because it was a work environment.

And yes I do have friends. "Safe" friends. All of whom have either come through my connection with T or whom have reached out to me and made me feel safe enough to be mostly normal around them. But still the self doubt is there. In my mind everything is always about me. I'm so super fucking sensitive. Js' teasing around with me on Saturday night made me feel like she was attacking me, making me look stupid in front of D and R, who I don't know very well. Why would simple teasings like that make me react so strongly? I felt put on the spot, exposed, and suddenly not a part of the crowd, like I didn't fit in, like I was one of "those people". How can I have true friends when I can't even interpret their friendly actions correctly? And I am desperately hopeless when it comes to making new friends. I hate talking to strangers. I suck at making conversation. I sometimes avoid going out in the back yard with the kids if the neighbors are working outside. Gods that's fucking ridiculous! Why the hell do I do that?

And shit, what about my intimacy issues? Gods, how many times have I avoided D's eyes, or pretended to be distracted by the kids, or whatever? What am I so fucking scared of?

Okay, so my thinking out loud here hasn't accomplished much but a laundry list of reasons I'm fucked up. Still no answers...

Do I tell my friends? Obviously D and J will probably read this, but what about T, C, Ch? Would telling them be opening up to them bringing me closer to having true friendships? Or would it cause them to back and away, because I'm fucking nuts?

On a side note, the little impromptu birthday celebration really felt nice. I remember saying "my friends like me." If only they all knew how deep that statement goes. Okay, so now I'm fucking crying. Gods, I'm sick of crying.

Okay, so I'll wear that goddess pendant they gave me as a symbol of hope for me. I do have friends. They do like me. I say again and maybe I can convince myself. They do like ME! Let her remind me in times of craziness that my interpretations aren't always reality.

Well, it's a start....

No comments: