10/13/04 looking back, looking forward

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More Live Journal musings as I tried to come to terms with my escalating mental issues.

October 13, 2004 Looking back, looking forward...

Okay so I read over yesterday's post and wow, you would think I had a miserable time in the Air Force, right? On the contrary, all those things I avoided and hated doing, were just road bumps to me. I just thought I hated public speaking and left it at that, never searching for the whys of my actions. I loved my job in the Air Force and was very popular with everyone in the station, especially every captain, station chief, and commander that came through that place during my 4 years (of course it's easy to see how popular I was looking back with my blinders off) . I was also popular with the base ops guys and we would chit chat throughout the day etc. Of course they were all older guys and I guess I felt they were "safe". The mps (cute cops) that would come in from time to time always made me nervous because I always felt dorky trying to act cool around them. Anyways, my point to myself here is that I was very happy, very successful, in spight of my crazy. I was even promoted to chief weather observer and was in charge of all the other observers. I also earned a below the zone early promotion to senior airman. I was always the squadron's pick to represent us for the airmen of the year competitions and the like. I also was in charge of weather observer training for the entire squadron. If anyone had a question about anything, they usually came to me, as I knew a lot about METAR code, and a lot about near everything around the station, as I had been there longer than everyone, except our civilian forecaster. I enjoyed working. I enjoyed chatting with whoever the forecaster was that i was working with each shift. They would often chat about deep stuff on the evening and night shifts. For some reason they all felt they could open up to me. Telling me about the death of a daughter in the past, probelms with spouses or girlfriends, what should I buy my girlfriend, etc etc. (of course for the longest time, I was the only female in the squadron). I was popular, trusted, and well liked by just about everyone in that squadron. When I left, my commander convinced his higher ups to push through a "commendation medal" for me, even though they usually don't approve those unless you are at least an E-5 and on your second enlistment. They wanted to show me how much they appreciated everything that I had done there and how sad they were to have me leave. No wonder I look back at that time with such fond memories. It is proof to me that I can function in the world, that I was liked, that I was successful. Where have I lost touch with that? Why do I feel so dysfunctional these days? (hmm, kind of explains the dreams I still have where I'm back in the air force working as an observer in some function, but I've lost my skills and have to learn it all again. I'm always behind or making mistakes because something changed while I was away. yet in the dreams I always feel happy to be back...)

To move ahead, I need to focus on my intimacy issues and my inability to open up to others. Sure I'm a great listener, but what about sharing myself with others. Why is that so hard?

There is nothing wrong with me as a person, a friend, or a lover, except for what I perceive there to be.... My perceptions are the problem. I must relearn how to interpret the world. I must rewire. I will rewire.