3/15&26/05 Keeping a log & CLARITY!

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: Hmm, yes someday I will look back at this post and see just how far I've come. I just did. :-)

Mar 15, 2005 Keeping a log....

Okay, so I'm going to attempt to keep logging through this tough period of my life. Hopefully someday I will look back and see just how far I've come. In the meantime, this journaling will serve to flush out my thoughts. T and I have started the counseling process so that he can help me through this. Damn it is tough. I feel myself avoiding and getting defensive often. It happens before I am aware, T catches it, I get even more defensive. It is a viscous cycle.

I have never felt crazier. I have never felt more on the edge of insanity. Yet I have never felt closer to clarity, sanity, breaking through. My mind is overflowing with a myriad of contradictory thoughts. I think T can help me. In fact I think he is probably the only person on the planet that could even begin to unravel this (not saying that my other friends won't be helping, they will be I'm sure, but T is the only one that is truly INSIDE my brain). I trust that he can help me.....IF I can let him.

The house is totally trashed. I watched A today until 2:00 and the kids just wrecked stuff playing. Then R wanted to nurse and then I had to shower. So now it is almost 4 and I still have to clean the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen, the basement, and cook dinner. Geez, okay stop. I'm not going to that bug me. I'm just gonna go get stuff cleaned up. It is no big deal. Houses get messy. Stop letting it plague you so Chris!


EDIT as I compile these for the new blog: And oops, in transferring all these over here, I missed one by accident, so I have to squeeze it in here with the above post so they can remain in order.... This one is a pretty important moment in my life when I feel like I've been given the able to look clearly at my issues, the gift of clarity.

Mar 26, 2005 CLARITY!

Yikes, I haven't posted in forever. We moved the office to the basement and it has succeeded in curbing my internet addiction. At the same time I have woken up from my depressed slumbered state and have been too busy LIVING to be online. I have been so enjoying my kids again. That wonderful spirit they have, their infectious laughter, their wild imaginations, their oodles of creativity. I love my kids. I can't believe I actually got so low that I couldn't find joy in that anymore.

I feel like I have had a near death experience. I am noticing all the little beautiful things in my life that I had been taking for granting, all the things that used to bring me joy but had stopped. I see joy and happiness again in my life. I feel hope. Spring has arrived just in time to coincide with my awakening, undoubtedly a big factor in helping to awaken me from my slumber. There is life within and around me again.

Yet I still feel those dark moments and I still have my crazy issues, but I am dealing with them. I am finding ways to reframe, to rewire. I am seeing.

Circle was awesome last night. I felt horrid before the circle though. The thought of having to toast to someone on the spot, and to talk about myself as well, was making me want to run and hide or play sick or something. I was feeling immature and silly, channeling my nervousness into silly awkwardness. But I expressed how I was feeling to a few folks, I didn't give it the chance to take me over, I just allowed it to be. I acknowledged how I was feeling and why, and then I chose to move beyond that.

Boasting was still hard. I started to cry the second I opened my mouth. This has been such a emotional time in my life and all that feeling just rushed right out. But I spoke. I voiced my powers and my strength. And it did feel good. Almost like a cleansing.

The toast was particularly empowering. What R said of me was no surprise, but nice to hear. But the truly empowering part was that I actually felt like I did a good job toasting R. My words weren't flowery or spoken skillfully, but I think what I said was useful to him and it was right on target. I surprise myself sometimes with my ability to read people, and yet I have always been able to do it. Why do I resist? Why is it such a surprise to me when it happens? The whole time I thought, crap what will I say about R (when I realized he was the one standing across from me), but when I actually looked him in the eye and started speaking, there it was. I just knew what he needed to hear. When forced to do it, I am usually quite good at it. Not sure why it so hard to get me to that point though.

The next step was nothing short of magickal. The introspection. It hit me before the mead even got around to me (i was last in the circle). It washed over me like a wave, yes I was standing in the west, and one word was riding that wave: CLARITY. That is one of the gifts that I have been given in exchange for putting my crap in that hole at Samhain. CLARITY. I can not change who I have been, but I have been given the CLARITY to see this thing when it happens. I am getting better and better at recognizing the feeling I get whenever my crazy presents itself. I am getting better at stepping away from it and looking back at it with CLARITY. CLARITY is what will help me to continue to evolve myself, to deal with this and not let it run my life, to change myself and my thought patterns.

That wave rushed over me so hard that I almost gasped out and said CLARITY out loud right there in the circle. I love it when energy works. :-)