1/19/05 A real update

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More musings from my Live Journal as I tried to cope with my escalating mental issues. Wow, it was hard to read this one as I copied and pasted it to include here. I welled up with emotion and damn near cried. It seems like a different me that wrote this, not the woman I am today, just over 2 years later. This person that used to be me was so lost, so confused and yet so full of desire to heal. Well, that part hasn't change, I'm still a fighter and full of desire to heal myself and others. How many others are out there, just as I was, that are still lost and confused? Trying so desperately to heal but just haven't come across the right answers yet. I hope that I can spread the word that there are answers to be found out there, if you keep searching. Healing can happen. I am living proof.


January 19, 2005 A real update...

Just realized that I haven't done anything but quiz and game updates in a long time. Guess I've just been spinning my wheels lately and not much to update on. Been teetering on the brink of depression and then I bounce the other direction and feel motivated to get things moving, but then I get that spinning wheels feeling again, then the depression tries to take me back down. It's a viscous cycle. I feel like I was in the middle of something magickal, but all of a sudden the magick stopped and I fell out and now I'm lost and don't know where to go next. Do I still believe in fate, in magick, in myself? It isn't really about the house, I'm not really all that sad about the house itself. There is something else rumbling about inside of me. The house seemed to be an easy way for me to believe in a coming change in my life. That this was meant to be, that it was fate. That things were ramping up, that what I put in that hole was really transforming. That this year held nothing but healing and coming together and wonderful things. That I would finally break out of this funk and be free of my inner demons. But the momentum I was riding lost it's spark, lost its way, and now I am lost. Teetering on the edge again. Determined not to end up like my mom or worse, my grandmother, yet I still feel trapped by my own twisted physiology. The vines keep reaching up out of the black abyss to pull me in deeper.

The house itself may not have been the answer. We could have moved into that house with me all motivated and energized, but it would have worn off? The newness, the spark, would have lost its way eventually anyway? Maybe, who knows.... But I do believe the energy that house originally sparked in me is part of the answer. Somehow I've got to figure out how to tap back into that optimism. The old stagnant patterns that I've fallen into must be shattered.

I long to change. I long to spend more time outdoors surrounded by the trees, more time in front of a fire, more time actually interacting with my kids, my husband, my friends....It seems like only yesterday Willow was 6 months old and I was in front of the tv with her playing on the floor, up way too late as was usual for her, thinking to myself, I need to PLAY with her more, get down on the floor and interact with her, not just be around her. Here it is 4 years later and I still feel that way, that I don't play enough, that I don't enjoy enough. That they are growing up so fast and I'm not savoring it. I know every parent feels that way to some extent. I mean it's not like I haven't ever played with them, but I feel I'm too often distracted by other things. Why do I get so restless when I do play with them? Why does it take so much energy from me? I do have fun playing hide and seek or monsters, but something in me is always looking for what's next, looking to return the brain to status quo, to something easier. Do I need to do laundry, check my email, oh yeah, there was something I wanted to look up on the internet..... Why? When I am laughing and enjoying playing with them, why I am looking for the side door out all the while?

My whole life is like that. Everything takes so much energy, so much effort from me. I'm always looking to return to the status quo. To whatever is easy. Always looking to just sit back away from people and stare off into space. To drift into dreamland, into my mind. Everything in life has to be planned, to be expected. Doing something new seems like such a hassle, such an emotional drain, I reject it. I'm stuck in the ruts of my safe, familiar patterns. Holy fucking shit, now I understand how my grandmother needed a week to plan and get ready for a doctor's appointment. I'm headed down that same fucking road!

The recluse in me is getting so hard to fight. She withdraws to the safety of the internet, the seclusion of fantasy, day dreaming, never touching foot in reality, in interaction. Always hooked up to something to distract her from real life-- the computer, the tv, a book.... Why is it so hard to just be present in reality? Why do I feel so restless as of late? When will the wheels stop spinning?

Yet, if I'm such a recluse, why do I feel the need to reach out and help people? What is this whole wisdom keeper thing about? Why do all my vocational interests involve very close interactions with people? Is that the real me if I weren't afflicted by all these damn vines? You'd think if I was really such a damn recluse that I'd have no friends and desire some computer job devoid of human contact. So I guess I want to reach out to people, to interact, but feel I can't. The vines are choking me back.

I need to get out of this house. The vines are too deep here. They will drag me down to the bottom of the depression abyss. I will not go. I will keep cutting the vines as they grab for me. I may keep teetering on the edge, but they will not drag me down. I will fight. This house holds 20 years of my grandmother's reclusive, depressed, sedated life. It will not hold mine any longer. I'm moving on. To the wind in the trees, to the fire on the hearth, to the rains on the rooftop, to the dirt of the garden....I'm moving closer to my friends, my tribe...closer to the elements, to life, with people, with my family, with reality.....

It is time.