10/14/04 Things are going well

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More musings as I tried to come to terms with my escalating mental issues.

October 14, 2004 Things are going well

Things are going very well and I'm feeling fairly normal. When I paid at Walmart yesterday I didn't get that weird, dizzy, everyone is staring at me feeling. I just paid and made conversation. Of course, I was focused on not allowing it to happen. I know I'll have to continue to work on this thing for the rest of my life, but I feel that I can handle it and function normally and maybe even give T a break from the insanity he's been dealing with for the past 13 years or so. Counseling with him is going well. For once I'm not stubbing up and resisting. I'm just going with his flow, letting him help me. He is amazing.

I felt really close to D and J last night at the dinner because they KNOW. Of course when I first got to their house before dinner I was nervous as hell. I hadn't looked them in the eyes since devulging all this crap online. How would they respond? They pretty much didn't pay me any attention at all when I walked in. And of course my crazy immediately went to feel rejection and I talked myself out of that. I was able to take that misinterpretation and explain to myself that either they were busy doing whatever and it did indeed have NOTHING to do with me, or possibly they didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable by doing or saying anything, or possibly they just weren't sure how to act around me at first. Whatever it was, it wasn't the rejection that I immediately perceived. I wanted to hug them and thank them for their comments and for listening to me online and all, but just wasn't sure how to go about that. So as usual, I sat on the couch and did nothing.

The council meeting last night went great. It felt wonderful to be with my friends and to remind myself that I was a part of that group. I didn't really feel any crazy much of the night. Of course, that's an easy situation, safe friends, no strangers, blah blah blah. Although I did have to talk to the waitress a few times and I stopped myself from feeling like she was looking at me like I was some old mom trying to dress up and be cute for a dinner date. It started but I just let it go and didn't dwell on it. Man this takes focus.

Now, I remember that I also felt stupid for dressing up and I kept making sure that everyone knew it was T's idea. Why would it bother me if people thought I just felt like dressing up, whether that was true or not. What does it really matter why I dressed up? Why do I care so much what others think? I guess when I don't dress up then I have an excuse to look bad, because I wasn't trying to look good. But when I dress up, what do I have to hide behind?

Okay, so maybe there was more crazy yesterday than I originally recognized. uggghhh.