Wednesday, April 9, 2008

3/14/05 Mother burnout

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: Geez, the roller coaster that I was on back then, trying so hard to hold on to myself, but falling so deeply into the dark hole of depression. It is so strange to look back at these and see just how far down the hole I was. It saddens me that I lost parts of my life to this depression, parts of my children's childhood, but I'm lucky that I found healing at all. I must be grateful for the life that I have now, and the bright future ahead, and not lament over what was lost in the past.

March 14, 2005 Mother Burnout....

What is my problem? At moments I'm so optimistic and ready to tackle life, yesterday was not one of those days though. It all started with the kids fighting and whining while we were at a friends house (the friends weren't home). I got them settled down and then I started a movie for them, and they snuggled up in blankets on the couch. Then I went upstairs to use the bathroom and get away for a moment and check my email. Then R starts crying for me, and I heard him but I just couldn't bring myself to go get him. I just sat there and called out to him where I was. Then my friend shows up carrying him up the stairs to me (she had stopped to pick something up from the house). And I felt horrid. What the hell was my problem? Why hadn't I gone downstairs to get him? Why was I so apathetic that I just sat there and expected him to come to me?

Then we go back downstairs and discover that he had broken something while I was in the bathroom. So then I feel even worse and think my friend will be mad at me for leaving him out of sight long enough to break something. Later on (after my friend had left again), W broke something when she was out of my sight using the bathroom, and later fell over into some candle sticks (while I was sitting in the same room with her, nursing R) and broke a fairy. The fairy was the last straw in the battle against the depression really setting in, I just couldn't take it anymore. I made W sit on the couch for an hour or more after that occurred. I just couldn't handle the thought of anything else getting broken. That started a downward spiral that left me tired, depleted, and depressed once again.

Sometimes I just can't find the joy in my children and I wonder where I got lost. Where did I lose the joy and how do I get it back? There are two books I think I need to read, "The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" and "Mother Nuture", which both deal with stress, depression, and mother burnout. I need to get some perspective on this cause lately I just feel like such a shitty mom (which is sad because I used to feel like the best mom in the world). The one book's description talks about "Depleted Mother Syndrome". Damn that is just how I feel lately. Depleted. I'm so depleted I have nothing to give anyone anymore, including myself.

I so long to get my life organized again, tackle the laundry, clean this house. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? How can I be so optimistic at one moment and so gloomy the next? This depression is dragging me down into the hole and I feel helpless to stop it. Some days I just feel so mentally screwed up, incapable of performing the basic tasks of living. Where have I gone? How do I reclaim myself? Why do some days I think I'm getting better and others I feel like I'm on the brink of something so dark that I will never escape? Something is just wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.

Can I really tackle school right now? I feel so clinically screwed up right now that I'm not sure I can handle anything. I can't even keep the laundry clean, what makes me think the old me is gonna come back and do well in school again?

What the hell is wrong with me and why can't I shake this?

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