10/21/04 Back from the dead

EDIT as I compile these for this new blog: More Live Journal musings as I tried to come to terms with my escalating mental issues.

October 21, 2004 Back from the dead...

Yikes, haven't updated in forever. I have been sick since Thursday and just finally came back to the world of the living. My house is mostly a wreck, and my fridge is empty. Gee, I've got a lot to do today. Thankfully T helped me pick up the house a lot the other day, even cleaned the nasty kitchen. Yeah!

Tuesday night was good, just hanging with J while the boys "geeked". Damn that felt good. Haven't had a close girly friend in quite some time. I think we are finally learning how to not push each other away. I mean, both of us get in "funks" from time to time, but I think now instead of letting that energy push us back, we just ride it out and be there for the other.

Kept the crazies at bay mostly last night. Got a little avoidant of D when he came around me, but I made myself just stop and look him in the eyes and that worked mostly. But then I felt all stupid and awkward. Gotta remind myself that there's nothing there to be afraid of. Why do I feel so vulnerable and stupid sometimes? I even felt a little flustered and stupid talking to R. What was that about? I can't make complete sentences anymore? Geez.... Why can't I talk to anyone without feeling their stare upon me, without thinking about what they are thinking of me? Reading their body language, worrying about my reactions, worrying about what I'm saying, what I'm doing, what they're thinking...Why can't I just turn that off and be normal? It all just floods in and suddenly I can't even make a complete coherent thought anymore. It even happened a few times talking to J. I start thinking about where my eyes should be looking, what my hands are doing, what is she thinking, but then I kinda just shake out of it and enjoy the conversation again. That is what happens with friends, I can just shake it off and go on, but when the conversation feels forced, when I'm searching for words, like with R, or when I'm feeling vulnerable, like with D, I find it harder to shake off and then I just start to drown in my own perceptions. Geez, I'm drowing in my own hyper-alert sensitivities. It is just fucking small talk, just simple conversation, nothing big, nothing deep. Why is that so fucking hard? Why is one on one conversation so hard? I guess I can just blend into a crowd conversation, but one on one is different. I just can't focus, cause I feel too much focus on me? In one on one conversation there's no easy escape, no distraction from someone else piping in, no where else to look but each other, no safety net---just me.

Okay wow, really hadn't intend this post to go there again. But the thoughts just started coming and I had to work through. I think this journal thing is helpful in that regard. Things I normally wouldn't think about, or look back to reflect on, suddenly become evident as I type. It is a great way to realize what my issues are and think through them. I always think best in text.

Anyway, where was I? Last night was great hanging with J, D, G, and T. G is hilarious. It was good to see him out having a good time with friends. I felt really close to D last night. He pointed it out to me when I started to make excuses about my clothes (which I didn't even realize I was doing) and that was cool. It was like he was saying, hey, look what you're doing, you don't need to do that with me. Anyway, it felt good, although I was a bit embarassed and punched him in the arm for it. :-) Cuddling on the couch was real nice.

Haven't had any counseling sessions with T in a while. We need some time alone, not only for counseling, but some cuddle time would be good too. I got mad at him yesterday morning in the heat of being stressed out. That sucked. It can be hard living with me sometimes. :-(